"You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, and you don't fuck with Billy Mays." - Adam Corolla
Pitchmen with kitchen utensils and and other shoddy junk have been assaulting us with oddities for years, but never before have they been selling something so interesting. I was listening to Adam Corolla in the Morning as I drove my girlfriend to work and they had iconic salesmen Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan on as guests. You might remember them as the loud-mouthed faces behind such infamous products as Oxi-Clean and the Swivel Sweeper, respectively.
It seems that the mysterious underworld of TV sales personas runs thick with strife and drama. Smarmy rising star Vince Offer of Shamwow fame has offended Billy Mays by offering a product similar to one Mays had sold previously, the Zorb-eez, which is nearly identical to the Shamwow. Mays also claims that Offer's new Slap-Chop is similar to another dicing product he used to market, the Vidalia Chop-It. Billy even goes so far as to literally call Offer out for a pitchman's challenge, to see who can out hawk the other.
Offer is a seedy character with a notorious past and Mays is an aging craftsman with a heart of gold and a beard of Black Poplar. A better protagonist/antagonist duo you can not make up. Calling this the "ShamPOW!", Mays even goes as far as to inadvertently bestow upon this great concept a fitting name. Now all someone has to do is turn this into a kick-ass 3D fighter. Here's how it should go:
ShamPOW!: Pitchman Vs Pitchman pits all your favorite sham-talkers against each other in a battle to earn the right to be the voice and face of the perfect infomercial product which, unbeknownst to them, is actually a vessel for evil upon our Earth. The roster would include Billy Mays, Vince Offer, Anthony Sullivan, Ron Popeil, maybe that Verizon douche (personal pick), and more, each using their respective products as offensive weaponry.
Imagine Billy Mays tossing a cloud of Oxi-Clean into Ron Popeil's eyes before finishing him off with a toxic bath of Orange Glo. Vince Offer could choke people out with his Shamwow and then use its amazing absorbency to clean up the blood and spittle. Popeil's Chop-O-Matic is no doubt violently lethal, and don't let Sullivan get his hands on the StickUp Bulb, or it's gonna get StuckUp Someone'sAss.
There could also be secret characters like MadTV's Bobby Lee in a Diaper as seen in the Underground Comedy Movie or scum from other mediums like motivational speaking. Alternative costumes like Vince Offer's Riddler Suit and Ron Popeil's Labcoat from the Chop-O-Matic commercials help add some flair, and secret levels include Mays' Personal In-Home Barbershop and Anthony Sullivan's Underground Leather Sex Dungeon.
Of course, what 3D fighter would be complete without complementary interactive environments and destructible objects? Throw your enemies into whatever poorly designed bladed-object is popular in the kitchen these days, or shove them into your ravenous audience and watch as they tear your foe limb from limb and devour them. Thank goodness for the ferocious bloodlust bestowed upon them by years of drinking Diet Coke.
This game conceptualizes itself my friends, so who's gonna jump on the bandwagon and help me make ShamPOW!: Pitchman Vs Pitchman the game it deserves to be?
Only 3 easy installments of $19.99 to join the team.
-Unfather
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