fortytwo points

GTA IV DLC Gives us Wang and We Say "Thanks?"

1Up's Kat Bailey shared with the world yesterday some ground-breaking news; there's gonna be dick in GTA IV's Lost and the Damned DLC. Now, that's probably not going to be the reason why Xbox Live owners pick it up today (it's out today, remember?), and it's probably not going to be appreciated amongst the seemingly homophobic GTA IV community, but it is significant for the precedent it sets. Mainstream games, or their DLC at least, can now have full frontal.

This may be the beginning of a new area of art house-style experimentation amongst game developers or it may be the porn industries first serious foray into the digital entertainment market. Either way I welcome this shift in atittude, despite the fact that I will be skipping past this particular part of history. It means new people will work with games and that in turn will generate new ideas (even though the first few will probably suuuuck). Rockstar has opened a door that someone only had to dare open, and now every one else can benefit from it.

You probably don't, but if you want to see the first schlong rendered in a popular video game, check out the video below. I won't tell:

(update 2/22/09: dick video got pulled and I can't find another. sorry meat gazers, you're just gonna have to download it)

Okay, I lied I'm totally telling. Your IP is...

-Unfather

Impressions Via Sketch: Far Cry 2, Hour 4

A Moment of Tranquility With: Far Cry 2

Extended Reading: Questions with Entrager, Developer of Remote Masseuse

Recently I spent an indecent amount of time with new community release Remote Masseuse for Xbox Live. Giving it what you might call my "seal of approval", I have every intention of continuing to approve it through the holidays. Much to my surprise the creator himself stumbled across my humble little blog and commented, and having hit "ask" with a dart while blindfolded, I decided to request a moment of his time.

Fortunately Entrager agreed. Unfortunately I'm a terrible interviewer, so here are the best questions I could come up with.

I want to thank Entrager for being kind enough to pick up the slack:

Impressions Via Sketch: Far Cry 2, Hour 2

Impressions Via Sketch: Far Cry 2, Hour 1

Thank Your Lord It's Finally Here: Remote Masseuse for Xbox Live

We've all done it. To some it is a secret shame and to others it was simple curiosity. If you can find someone who hasn't done it within six months of owning one, then I can show you someone who's a filthy fucking liar. The fact of the matter is that vibrating devices, let alone wireless controllers, are all destined to eventually touch someones genitals, so it's only natural that we should finally have a product like Remote Masseuse by Entrager, available today on Xbox Live.

A potentially amorous by-product of Microsoft's recent move towards community development (see; XNA), Remote Masseuse allows you to control the speed and/or power of your controller's vibration feature. In effect this allows you to turn your gamepad into a clunky massage device of sorts, but in reality that means you can now effectively get yourself off with it. 'Bout damn time, too.

A maturbat solo mode allows you to... "massage" yourself alone, or you can go online and massage other people, possibly people you've never met before! :D There is even voice-chat support so that you or your partner can request "the kind of massage they would like to receive". Otherwise, we'd have to use the clunky Xbox interface to type  things like "mmm yeah, faster please" or "take that bitch off stun and set it to 'bust'".

At a measly $2.50USD, there's a good chance you have the 200 points to buy this already sitting in your account, possibly waiting for the next batch of shitty Guitar Hero DLC. There is a demo you can try online as well for the low low cost of free. It's a marketing scheme awfully similar to the internet-porn industries...

Having tried the demo, my verdict is gonna have to be "mmm... *O-face*". You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, yeeeaahhh... ;)

-Unfather

Splatterhouse Brings Violence Back to Beat-'Em-Ups

I came across that video while I was trying to decide whether or not to write about Ready 2 Rumble: Revolution (conclusion: not yet). It feels like a long time since a really violent, disgusting murder simulator has graced our consoles and I'm glad I was reminded of Bottle Rocket's Splatterhouse remake before I wasted my time with a wacky boxing game. Sorry Nintendo but at least for now, I'd rather rip somethings head off and drink its brain fluids than fight my friends while I fight the inaccuracy of your gimmicky controller.

You may remember Splatterhouse as the gory side-scrolling brawler that Genesis owners rubbed in the faces of Nintendo fans while they were playing Disney tie-ins, or you may otherwise confuse it with the shitty Friday the 13th game. But when the original was released, it not only offered a blood-splattered good time but a fairly involved one at that.

Playing as college student Rick Taylor, who mistakenly chooses a haunted mansion to do his parapsychology research paper in, your girlfriend Jennifer is kidnapped by supernatural entities and you are knocked unconscious and left for dead. When an ancient Mayan hockey mask decides to use your dying body as its host, you are bestowed violent ass-kicking powers and head-off to save your love from the horrors of the mansion.

SPOILER ALERT:

MTV Multiplayer Can Finally Tell Us Nothing About Watchmen: The End is Nigh

Please watch this trailer of the upcoming Watchmen: The End is Nigh game. Feel free to skip it if you've already seen this:

Congratulations. Having seen that, you can save yourself the time of reading MTV Multiplayer's "impression" of the game. Stephen Totilo's latest article about the Watchmen movie tie-in game reads like a press release written by Bush's administration; it goes over the facts we already know and offers us none of the wisdom we were hoping for, despite promising it.

It's not my place to critique better writers than I, but this bullshit is exactly why I started this site. I literally can not find anything I would call an "impression" in this article, or an opinion of any sort. It reads like the fact sheet which, humorously enough, Totilo specifies he is quoting from; "Enemies were lumbering and persistent. Up to 20 of them can join the fight, according to the game’s official fact sheet". Thanks.

Game Fondling with Unfather

Today Monolith, developers of No One Lives Forever and Alien Vs Predator 2, allowed me to visit their offices to try one of their upcoming titles. A non-disclosure agreement keeps me from saying anything at all that might give away what it was, but I am allowed to say how I  liked it. The game actually exceeded my expectations, though the action is  sometimes stiff. I enjoyed my time but the combat could most definitely become repetitive after a few hours if what I saw was all there is to it, but I played such a small portion that I can not say if that will be the case. And that, my friends, is all I can offer until it is released.

I scored an awesome T-shirt and a copy of Run Fatboy Run for which I am most grateful. While I was there, the hallway was hot with action as party goods were assembled in preparation for FEAR 2's release party (you remembered that it comes out today, right?). What little I got to see of the office itself was impressive as well, with rich reds and browns adding a creepy ambiance to the obligatorily dimmed lights. For those curious about what the shirt looks like, it's a Project Origin promo with our little friend Alma on the right side, with some kind of strange abstract wings of some sort. Take a look for yourself with this low-quality image of the front and back placed side-by-side (back is on the left):

A nice score indeed. Whenever the game I played does get released, you should most definitely check it out. I think it may surprise you, whatever it may be...

-Unfather